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Light Speed


I woke up on the five hour flight from Lima, Peru to Santiago, Chile just as we were beginning  our descent. Outside, the lights of the small Chilean towns nestled in the valleys of the Andes stood out brightly against the darkness of the uninhabited countryside. It was as if I was looking simultaneously up and down at the night sky.  I felt as if I was sandwiched between the stars, flying through space and time.  


In a lot of ways I do feel like I’m a space traveler, gliding along at light speed.  By embarking on this fellowship, I’ve left my old sense of time behind, just as an astronaut traveling at such high velocity would. For the next eight months, the rest of my world will continue without me: my friends will go on to enroll in graduate schools, to begin careers, to start families. I feel frozen in a state temporal nirvana, zig-zaging among the possibilities of this world, among the infinity of the human experience, with little regard for the timeline of my home. I didn’t notice it until after I had watched my friend’s SUV pull away from the Detroit Metro Terminal early in the morning on August 31st, but it is beautiful. It is more than I could have ever hoped for.


The journey from my condominium in the residential area on the south side of Ann Arbor to my destination, a small bee farm in the rural part of central Chile, was long, much longer than was necessary. However, I wanted it to be that way. The little quirks of three flights, two layovers, and two bus rides, made the trip more powerful. 


During my first flight there was an irate middle age woman who chose to spend the entire first third of my trip mocking our flight attendant because she kindly asked that the woman remove her bare feet from the chair of the passenger in front of her. At first glance this unruly woman was nothing more than an angry, selfish person. However, later at the airport terminal under the transit center’s fluorescent lighting, I could make out deep shadows under her tired eyes as she pushed a loved one in a wheelchair towards their next gate. 


On my first layover in Miami, with seven hours to kill, I took an Uber to a beach nearby. I remember sitting under the shade of a palm-thatched hut, staring out at the vast and powerful Atlantic. In the distance there were enormous freighters tracing the horizon.  I watched them make their way around the Florida coast and contemplated the fact that they carried shipping containers full of Barbie dolls and toaster ovens that had seen more of the world than I, even in twenty-two years on this planet.  Eventually my gaze made it’s way down the coastline, along the beaches littered with luxury condos and resorts. They had a nice aesthetic, especially when juxtaposed with the parasailer hovering in the wind and speed boats carving white rifts in the blue face of the ocean in the distance. I took a moment to consider that this was where traveling stops for many people in our society, a luxury resort on a coastline. I supposed that that’s understandable, the world can be a scary place, and that scene was so picturesque: the epitome of comfort and “happiness.”  Even to me it really did look nice, but I smiled, knowing that I wouldn’t be there long. 


A few hours later I boarded my plane to Lima, Peru,  accompanied by two incredibly nice UCF graduates who had traveled much of the Caribbean and South America. They were headed to Cusco, Peru to do volunteer work and they were kind enough to offer me a mountain of good advice for my travels.  


In the Lima airport I spent the next four hours wandering the terminal and generally being confused about what time it was. I was also very concerned because as the hour approached my  boarding time, my flight did not have a gate assignment. I found myself pacing the building, gazing up at every departure screen that I came across. I resorted to asking a gate agent in broken Spanish why my flight didn’t have a gate. He happily replied in near perfect English that I would just have to keep waiting. I decided to take a quick nap, waking up only five minutes before my boarding time. My alarm had been set to the wrong time zone.  I rushed over to the gate agent and was given a handwritten boarding pass. A couple minutes later I was on my five hour flight to Santiago with a row all to myself and fell asleep, eventually waking up to the scene I described earlier.   

 In Santiago, there was no gate for our plane, only a staircase.  As I stepped off its metal and into the freezing Chilean night, I looked up and saw that the cloud cover obscured the stars. A bus pulled up with only standing room and the crowd of passengers climbed aboard.  I held my bag tightly. We pulled up to the terminal and made our way to customs where a bored-looking beaurocrate stamped a receipt and handed it to me. The airport was cold, and as I exited the security line into the country, I was greeted by a horde of taxi drivers looking for their next fare. I made my way through the mass and began to seek out the bus that I was supposed to take from the airport into the heart of they city. I walked into a restricted hallway and a guard in neon yellow jacket stopped me. In broken Spanish I asked where the busses were. There was no chuckle followed by a pleasant response in English like I had experienced with the gate agent in Lima,  only suspicious eyes. He said something I didn’t understand and pointed in a direction. I followed his finger out the terminal door and back into the fridged morning air. Eventually I found the bus I was looking for and climbed aboard. Someone had told me that they accepted US currency, but that wasn’t true. The driver waved me away. I turned around, pushed my way past the line and found a place to exchange my American money for Chilean Pesos. 


My second attempt at riding the bus was more successful. I made it past the fare. Though I had to fumble with my new money a little bit. I took a seat in the middle of the bus which soon became packed. As we left the airport the day was just beginning, but there was heavy cloud cover and the sky was a dim gray. Midway through the trip I turned to the girl sitting next to me and asked whether we were going to where I thought we were going. My stop ended up being relatively obscure and without her help I would have ended up on the Metro. I exited at a bus terminal and mall in the heart of the city. At some point during my voyage, I had lost track of time. I wandered past security guards in neatly pressed uniforms and protective vests, past gray store fronts obscured by imposing metal bars. Forgetting that I was the early morning, I questioned what had happened to make the place feel so empty and cold.


Eventually, I made my way to where the busses were housed, up a flight of stairs in the back of the building. The station had about twenty booths set up, with bright colors like a row of concession stands at a carnival. Each company had a booth where a cashier sold tickets. I smiled at the woman behind the counter of the bus company that I had been instructed to use.  I purchased a ticket and the cashier pointed to a number taped to the window of the booth. Bus #84. I made my way to the end of the terminal where my coach was waiting, finally boarding my last bus. 


After another 30 minutes I arrived at the bus stop where my host, Jaime, greeted me. We climbed into his manual transmission, four-door Ford ranger and started the thirty minute journey through the valleys of the Andes’ foothills to his farm near Codigua just southwest of Melipilla.  As we approached our destination the asphalt road turned to bumpy dirt with the scars of water run-off-chiseled into its face. In the background the high peaks of the foothills loomed majestically, and the sun finally peaked through the morning clouds. The road was now lined with cattle wire fences and chickens pecking at the ground. We pushed further into the Chilean countryside, following the snaking valley roads. As we made a bend just beyond one of the foothills, two dogs rushed out to greet us.  They chased behind as we pulled into the dirt and stone driveway of Jaime’s ranch. To our right, horses from the pasture adjacent to his property gathered their morning drinks from a small man mad canal. Jaime parked the truck and I grabbed my bag from the back seat. We walked inside where I was greeted by Jamie’s wife Mayela and another volunteer from France, Monia, they greeted me with smiling faces and  showed me to my room. 


Twenty-six hours after my departure from Ann Arbor, I sat down on the knitted blanket covering my new bed and grinned. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. Yes, it was long, yes it was tiring, but the sense of satisfaction I felt at the end of it was well worth the hassle.  That is because all those obstacles—the transfers, planes, busses,  currencies, and strangers—that some may describe as undesirable or too stressful, to me, are the joys of living .  They are beautiful impediments that increase the likelihood of conflict, of a necessity for problem solving. And I love conflict. It is what makes life exciting, and more importantly, it is what teaches us about the world, about others, and about ourselves. Life is conflict, the more you face and are able to overcome, the more fulfilling your time on this planet will be. 


Maybe some think that the way I went about this journey was wrong, or inefficient, but I think that I did it exactly how it needed to be done. Because convenience comes at a cost. By always taking the easiest path, so often we miss out on some of the greatest beauty of life. Of course, sometimes there are good reasons for that: timing, school, work, family. But while I’m here, gliding through the world, timeless, without deadlines or a necessity for efficiently, without any goal other than my own fulfillment,  I don’t have an excuse to miss anything. 


Thank you for reading. More to come soon. 

Stephen

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Summer Thoughts 2

I remember squirming uncomfortably in my seat as I waited at the bus stop. The bus was late. I had things to do that day and was annoyed that my car was at home. It would have been so much faster to drive.  I pulled out my phone and opened my email. My index finger scrolled through the list of appointment reminders, pre-health mailing group emails, and amazon receipts, selecting everything that it could. Eventually satisfied with its choices, it hovered over the delete button.  I let it fall until it finally landed with a triumphant thud on the touch screen. But now what? The anxiety came back. I needed something to do. Every minute I waited for the bus was another minute that I could have worked on a paper, or explored a new place, or had a conversation with a friend. Every minute on the hard cold metal of the bench was a minute I would never get back.

So often I feel this urge to work, this anxious need to do something,  to get up and go. The more experiences I can fit into one twenty-four hour period, the more accomplished I feel. In college I felt that I met a lot of people who didn’t understand that, who squandered their time, who grinded away at a major they didn’t like to get a job they didn’t want, to fit comfortably into a society where we exchange our precious time for material possessions that will inevitably rot away as time passes on. I met people who spent their free time watching stories on Netflix and living lives through video games that they could have in reality. I wanted to be the opposite of this. In my mind every day should have new experiences, every moment should be worthwhile. And I still believe that, but I think I’ve been doing it wrong.

I now realize that a lot of that time I spent “being productive,”  exclusively on new experiences  was wasted, because I never took the time to examine what I was doing. I and so many others  have become so caught up in the hustle of a world of “the new”, a world of forward motion that we have stopped taking the time to reflect on the new experiences that we have, and in doing so we devalue them. There’s no consolidation. There’s no storage. We lose the true value of these experiences because we forget to remember them and more importantly to don’t really learn the lessons that they have to teach. I’ve spent so many years chasing new and interesting experiences, but outside of the occasional application essay, I rarely take time to go back and explore why I did them, what they meant, and look at the tiny details that make them unique.

Another Bonderman Fellow, Scott Haber, said to me “I feel like my experiences are analogous to the wake of a ship - memories which trail behind me, losing their forms, gradually fading as time passes. But I press forward. I keep moving.” I wonder how hard it is to capture that wake and if it is possible to preserve. I would guess that it’s probably easier for some, but I suspect those of us with more extroverted personalities are more challenged in this regard. We are always with others, and this presents a problem.  

Using myself as an example, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely alone. When I’m at home, my family is there. When I go to campus, I am always with friends. When I’m driving, I’m talking to someone on speaker phone. And this works for me, I feel happy and content in these situations, but I am missing out on the upsides of being alone. This highly social lifestyle does not lend itself well to reflection. It’s the reason this is only my second post. And, if I’m being honest, the only reason that I have time to sit down and type this is because the friend whose house I’m currently in had to run out for an errand. I am terribly in-experienced in aloneness and yet a state of aloneness is the easiest time to reflect.  And now I’m here. Preparing to embark on what may be the most experience-rich and simultaneously isolating experience of my life and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to take it and whether I’ll be able to cope with this new world of aloneness. I’m nervous for that, but also excited to see what insights this new way of living will bring me.

In the meantime, though, as I run through the hustle and bustle of daily life on this campus, I think I need to start appreciating places like that bus stop. It think it’s important that we take those little moments of aloneness, of quiet, those tiny lulls in the day, as treat them as a temporary solace from our incessant busyness. Look up at bird, watch a happy couple stroll by, hear the music of the car engines, and breath deeply.

Until next time

Stephen Dowker

8/12/2017

 

 

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Summer Thoughts 1

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Summer Thoughts 1

 

5/28/2017

It feels strange, putting a pen to paper like this. I don’t often put down my thoughts with ink.

I know by the time you read this the text will be digitized. These words will be broken down to 1’s and 0’s and transmitted and reassembled into something meaningful on your screen. But I think it’s important that you know that the content of this post came into the world as blue ball-point ink scribbled across the empty back pages of an old notebook from my days in EMT school.

It’s also important that you know that the text is in print.

I’m writing in print, not because I want this to look to look neat. In fact my handwriting is rather sloppy. The reason it’s in print is because I never learned cursive. Or perhaps it is more appropriate to say that I never chose to learn cursive.

You see, cursive was an optional lesson back in third grade.  8 year-old me was eager to run around outside, play video games, and participate in general mischief. I decided that the extra work wasn’t worth it, that I was happy to keep on doing what I was doing, and here I am at 21, still writing in print. About to travel the world, writing in print. And despite the fact that it’s never really been an impediment to me. I mean I’m great at typing, but now I’m dependent on computers to write efficiently, and something about that dependency makes me feel deficient. The worst part is that my inability to write in cursive is a deficiency that I brought upon myself.  It’s funny how decisions like that follow us.

I’d like to think that I’ve changed since then. Although my friends might tell you that aspects of my 8 year-old self are still unabashedly present. Regardless, one thing I know for certain is that the part of me passed up on cursive, and more importantly on an opportunity to learn something new,  over 13 years ago is gone.

I don’t know exactly when he left. It was probably a gradual departure. But I do recall one major factor in the change.  It was a movie I saw back in 8th grade, a romantic comedy with a whopping 46% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, starring Jim Carrey called Yes Man. The main character lives a boring unfulfilled life until he begins to say yes to every, and I mean every, opportunity that comes his way. The the plot points become gratuitous at times and you could argue that he takes it too far, but I think it was the premise of the movie that really got me. “Yes” as a default. And my impressionable 13 year old self  ran with it.  I guess that’s also funny, those little influences early on that have a profound impact on the course of your life. Thanks Jim.

That premise, that attitude, that I adopted as I grew is the reason that I’m sitting here writing this at all.  It’s the reason behind this blog, and it’s the reason  that I’ll be leaving the United States in August. It’s the reason I’ll cross two oceans and visit sixteen different countries while I’m gone. And I am hopeful that it will be the reason I return with stories and an understanding of the world that are unimaginable to me now.

My feelings over the last few months have been mixed. There was the catharsis of submitting my application, and the disbelief of receiving an interview. The most nervous I have ever been was in the fifteen minutes before I stepped into that conference room as I paced anxious laps around Angell Hall. Then there was impatience as I awaited the announcement date and the surprise and excitement of receiving the award. Special thanks to Ben Malamet for taking me to bdubs for a celebratory beer at 11:30 AM, and also convincing the Biology/Neuroscience program advisor who spotted us at the bar while enjoying his lunch that we are not, in fact, alcoholics.

And now, as I write this, in that blue ball-point ink, it is summer. I am an alumnus, a graduate, and what that means on paper is that college is behind me and in some ways still with me. Now my planning can truly begin. Its calm. I’m still in Ann Arbor, but the city feels slower. I am sure, in part, because it is summer, but also because many of my friends have moved on.  I am still here though, living at home, bouncing between ambulance shifts in Detroit and spending hours in the fishbowl meticulously planning for a trip that is supposed to be as spontaneous as possible.

I don’t want to forget this time, and that’s why I’m writing now as opposed to my first day of the trip. Because I think it’s important to remember my perspective now before I find myself in the middle of the journey that is to come, hindsight is skewed and well informed, but no matter what part of my life I’m in, I want to be able to look back and see this for what it was.

And right now, I feel like there is a mountain in front of me. It’s made of visa and credit card applications, equipment purchases, meetings, phone calls, and shots. But I feel comfortable with it, and I cannot wait to see the view from the summit.  I don’t want to look back on this experience 13 years from now and realize that I missed out on the opportunity to remember what that felt like.

More thoughts to come.

 

Stephen Dowker

 

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